Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Faithful And True

We're studying Revelation in our Community Bible Study group. I have a wonderful core and it has been a true blessing to me to be a part of such a lovely group of ladies.


One of our questions today was "How has God been faithful and true in your life?" It was either a personal or for deeper thought or a personal deeper thought question, either way, I thought about it. And I would like to share with you my thoughts on something that God has been faithful and true about even though it has caused me many tears and confusion.

Joel and I were married at the age of 25 and waited about three years to start having kids. We both wanted LOTS of kids, many many children, so we were relieved to finally get to the place where we were willing to say yes to the possibility. It took us six months to conceive I had been using a Depo-Provera, which is about an average amount of time to become pregnant. But those six months were filled with prayer and heartache and numerous pregnancy tests. And sheer elation when we found out that we were actually pregnant the first week of Joel starting a new job. The pregnancy was nondescript other than the terrible depression that I suffered, which subsided after Hannah's birth only to come back with a vengeance two years later. That's another story.

While I was lying there, holding our newborn daughter, I thought we should do this again. I wanted another child and I had barely even experienced my first. After about three months, we started to try for our next child, I was exclusively breastfeeding so I knew it was a long shot, but more children was a still a deep desire. And that deep desire was tempered with inability to know how it would all work out, because we were low income and barely making some of the ends meet as it were. I also didn't know if I could physically handle the stress and emotional attachment of another child, but I knew deep within me that I wanted more. So we continued to try and try and as the fluff cost of pregnancy tests became more and more of a burden, our hope began to wan. But then small things like; Hannah switching to solids would ignite hope once again.

The doctor would always ask if we were planning on having children this year and the answer would be a resounding yes. But my plans never really happened. I prayed and prayed and prayed and Hannah continued to grow and grow and grow and fill our lives with blessings we could not have expected. And then about two and half years ago, something happened. I found a lump in my abdomen, a lump that moved when I touched it. Not in the right place to be a baby and too big not to get checked out. I went to my family doctor and she couldn't find it so she ordered an ultrasound and the prayers started lifting up. My brain started to think of the things that I could loose depending on what that lump was. The two big ones were my life and my fertility. And I prayed and prayed. I remember calling my brother and talking with him and he dealt a sobering slap with the words "At least you have a child"

Here I wanted more of something I already had and yet I continually prayed. The words I finally heard "It is finished." The scripture that swirled around me night and day "A cord of three is not easily broken." It was three months after going into the doctor before I found out (the doctors knew but never told me) that I had an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit. By the time it was removed less than a month later, it was the size of a small melon 14-cm, which is bigger than a baby's head at birth. Everything was left in tact and deemed in working order. But still no babies. It's been two years since that surgery and God has been faithful and true to the proclamation that I heard in regards to our fertility: this is it.

And that sounds hard, but the harder part is going in to the doctor every year and having them ask "Are you planning on becoming pregnant this year?" and not knowing how to explain to them that their meds and tests aren't going to change what the living God has proclaimed.

God has been faithful and true in regards to the size of our family.  I think it's tough because I'm still working out exactly what that means for us.  And the truth is that we never know the things that God has proclaimed good in our lives until they have occurred and we have journeyed our way to the other side and then look back and can see His fingerprints upon the whole of our lives.  He is always faithful and true, but it is difficult to learn that God is faithful and true to Himself and not to our ever changing desires.  I guess that's why He has started to settle my soul within me like a weaned child with its mother.  This year, our family is meditating upon the Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  More than any longing I have ever had for children is my longing to worship him and to grow closer and slake this sinful nature that plagues me.  I have a feeling that his blessing us with one child is in some way a nod to that desire.

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