Monday, March 14, 2011

Opposition

Opposition is defined by Merriam-Webster as "actions or opinions that show that you disagree with or disapprove of someone or something"

I had a ton of that this morning.  My daughter and I spend the majority of each morning being in opposition to one another.  Her goal is to spend each day eating take out food and watching TV.  My goal is to spend each day caring for our home and making sure that she learns how to read, write and do arithmetic.  You can see that these things don't line up with each other.  And it appears that she believes that she's no good at the things that I think she can do.  After class today, we had an in depth rant/therapy session.  I know that you should not lead therapy sessions for those that are close to you, but it needed to be done and I was the only other one here.

As I sat there, doing a piss poor job of comforting my daughter as she poured out one of her greatest fears, I started to wonder if I too create the conditions for what I fear to come true.  My fear is that I will one day be so fat that I won't be able to get out of bed, that they'll charge me for two plane seats when I travel, and that my fat will be my death.  And because of that, and what I've seen my body do in regards to gaining weight, I can develop a fear of my very own body.  I can fear that it won't perform for me, to keep those things at bay.  I fear that if I exert energy to keep the fat away then I won't have the energy to do other things that I have committed to.  And then I allow that fear to put my poor body into a stalemate and thus allowing the door to flood open and pile on the pounds and creating the very thing that I am afraid of. 

I think I need to get rid of some of these fears and not allow myself to believe that they have any truth.  This week the weather is warming up and I have promised myself that I will start walking/running.  But the fat fear, wonders if my fat will cause my knees to ache and my bones to split.  Irrational, silly fears that run in a circle building upon one another.  I guess I should pursue other things instead of these unlikelihoods.  I should show my daughter that not only can we create what we fear, but that we can create what we desire as well.  God willing we can both remove the opposition that we feel about our desires and our reality.

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