Monday, August 15, 2011

Not Knowing

Probably one of the worst parts about being depressed is not knowing if you will ever get better.  You know that you feel bad, that everything takes much more time than it used to, and you just don't know and can't see how you are going to feel better, even with medications sometimes. 

And that not knowing can also bleed into our relationship with God.  When depressed, it's hard to see God at work and it's even harder to feel God's presence.  Which doesn't seem quite fair.  When it appears that we need him the most, there is a disconnect with our ability to recognize God is present. 

I think for me because it was so hard to feel anything, it was exceptionally hard to feel God's joy and to keep my hope alive.  If it had not been for my faith in what God had done and said, I may not have made it through that time.  I remember I was spending every morning reading scripture and writing in my journal, and yet, I still felt like God was very far away.  My emotions were so much a part of my relationship with God before my depression, that it was an entirely new realm of being with God. 

I could no longer rely on what I had known and had to develop new ways of making God known in my life and believe it or not, it had to be a very cerebral way.  Once I let go of having to feel God with me, I only had pure knowledge. Knowledge based on scripture.  (I'll have to tell you about when I lost my knowledge way of knowing with Lyme disease later).  Even if things didn't make sense to me in those moments, even if I couldn't feel that God was with me, I had to proclaim it to myself.  I had to take the scriptures of each day and bath myself in them, constantly reminding myself that it was true, letting it sink into the whole of me. 

And it never made me feel better.  Even the knowledge of God could not get into the lack of feelings I had.  I didn't feel satisfied that I had spent time with God. Or surrounded by God's love.  I felt abandoned and alone, which for me is the core of my depression feelings.  I was in need of help and I was desperately trying to figure out where my help came from. 

I could still remember in that time that I had once had a very emotional and close relationship with God and sometimes I would be saddest when I thought about the fact that we may never have that again.  Living with the fact that I didn't know if I would ever feel God's presence again was heart breaking.  I wanted it so badly and I had to come to a place of acceptance, that it may be gone forever. 

But in that acceptance, I had to find hope.  Hope for something else. That even if I never felt anything again for the rest of my life, or that I never bathed on a regular basis or got out of bed again.  I had to search for something to hope in. 

For me, that hope came when my husband decided that it was time to leave his job.  Our lives were wrapped up in his work.  And it was killing me.  When he made the choice to look for a new place for us, that hope broke through and I grabbed a hold of it.  That hope is what helped pull me out of my depression, it gave me the strength to stop taking pills and it carried me through to a new place.  A place where I found a new relationship with God and with myself. A place where I no longer knew what to expect, which was such a blessing after so many days of knowing exactly what to expect. 


As with all my posts about depression, comments are closed but you are encouraged to email me with questions at HoHaBlog@gmail.com