Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Day 19 of 40

Sometimes, I think I should invest in another journal. Writing can be a very releasing/relaxing thing. And as much as I love sharing here, there is a limit within blogging. I don't get to share specifics about people and situations. Honestly, as vulnerable as I can be, there's still the issue of I'm only able to expose as much as I'm willing to deal with. There's a sense I get sometimes that if I were to expose everything in my heart here, in a public forum, people who believe they have a voice in my life would become upset and try to make me feel guilty for doing so. Maybe that's just fear. But I think there's also some conscience going on in the midst of that. I've found that people rarely notice when you're sharing a secret that is meant to evoke honesty if within that is information about themselves. 
For instance, if one shares an emotion, say sadness and has it attached with a name, instead of hearing "I'm sad" they only hear "You're a problem." Does that mean I should just walk around and say  "I'm sad" and not explain the why? I don't know. But that leads into other issues, because even if you tell someone you're sad, there's no risk in that. It's equivalent to saying you're hot. Just information. But when you add the because behind "I'm sad" it exposes your inner workings. It shows that this is the way my mind and heart work. Because "I'm sad because I didn't get to eat the last cookie" is very different from "I'm sad because I'm not accepted for who I am." And sometimes my becauses are really specific and pointed and real. And as much as real is what I desire most, my desire can't overcome others hatred, fear, and negativity. So I'm thinking I should get a journal, then it will allow me to increase that desire for realness to the point that it can overcome others desire for me to be fake, hollow, and standard.

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