Friday, March 13, 2015

It Happens

Since my last "real" post in October, we got pregnant! Yeah! And had another miscarriage. Boo! 
Mostly, after I tell people the second part I add "It happens." People seem a little shocked, maybe I'm a little shocked but I rest in the reminder that this thing that I'm going through isn't totally unique, miscarriages happen. 
Yes, me, my particular circumstance is unique, but the reality of it is quite common, especially ladies my age. I feel for those couples that for one reason or another are going through fertility treatments and having miscarriages. It seems doubly painful to be paying for this type of grief on top of everything else that happens. The medical system should refund time and money when infertility treatments end in a miscarriage.
Anyway, that's not my story, it's an aside. Much easier to get worked up over other people lately. Probably because this pregnancy brought a little postpartum with its miscarriage. I'm working through it and it is hard work some days. Add in some PMS and I'm sure my family is just delighted to see my head hit the pillow some nights. 
I have a hard time writing it, but God is good. I want to say still good, but the truth is that's never been in question. God has been constant, it's me that waivers. It's always been me that's been in question. Am I going to have faith that God is good? Where am I going to put my hope? Can I love myself and be selfless at the same time? I waiver, but God's constancy is there, helping me to stand in the constant waves. Lately, I've felt a little trapped in the undertow with my head underwater. Learning that it's okay to feel that way, I haven't lost my foundation. I'll wash up, the tide will turn. My rock is constant. The walls may have fallen in the storm, but the house still stands.

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