Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'm a quitter

At the end of last year I joined up with The Daring Baker's challenge, thinking that I would be challenged in my baking.  Well, after five challenges I have decided that's enough of that.  I gave up on it.  It appeared to me that the challenges are really less about baking skills and more about fru fru desserts.  I like to bake and if I'm looking for a challenge, then I expect for it to be something that I actually have to work at.  I'm thinking about starting my own personal challenge, but I may very well quit that as well.  I am pleased to say though that I am continuing to grow my hair out, it could just be a sign of laziness more so than determination to see something through. 

I need some real help figuring out what to say yes to.  I have the ability to stick with things, but I'm not the type of person to stick with things just because I'm supposed to or because someone might be disappointed if I don't.  I prefer clear direction from God and a real sense of purpose within my actions.  I should probably be a little more spontaneous but like I said, "yes" is a hard one for me. 

For instance, I've been asked to speak at a women's retreat.  I have not given a clear yes, nor have I felt the answer within me.  And it's not because I'm not capable or that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I don't have a clear "yes" to proclaim.  Discernment is taking me awhile and maybe that's because I've seen the after affects of saying yes and then having to say no.  When I agree it needs to certain within me that I am not stepping on the toes of things that I've already said yes to, such as my marriage, my role as mother, cleaner of the house, and a few other things that I've taken on.  It's difficult to figure out the impact that things will have on all this, so part of that saying yes is determining whether or not I'm able to defend the decision if it does interfere with my commitments. 

I think life would be much simpler, if I could just accept things and say yes based on an arbitrary scale.  For instance if the person asking me has brown eyes and wearing the color purple, the answer is always yes.  If they have brown eyes with blonde hair the answer is no and if they have brown eyes and no hair the answer is maybe. 

I keep thinking of taking on the challenge of saying "yes" for one week.  I wonder what God would have in store.  If I try it, I won't tell anybody when it's occurring and then report back to all of you.  I wonder if I'll still be a quitter at the end of it.

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