Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The calm before the storm

I had always been the type of person to be anxious about being in public.  I would do small things like refuse to go in to see my grandparents, or into the store.  Sometimes I would have friends over and then go to bed early instead of staying up all night with them.  It wasn't anything big, and I never had any panic attacks over, I just didn't do everything that I had the opportunity to do.
That persisted well into my adulthood, it even happens to me today.  I just find it hard to move out of where I'm comfortable into a great unknown.  It was at its worse during our first year of marriage.  I would not leave the house for anything.  Maybe once a week, I would go out for the groceries with Joel.  My largest connection with the outside world at that point was stalking the mailman.  We would occasionally hang out with friends, in our home or theirs, but social events were completely out.  I remember there was a Cajun festival that year and I wanted to go, but I just couldn't do it.  Around that same time, a friend asked me to pick up her daughter from school.  I said yes, because in my mind I knew that it was no big deal, but when the day finally arrived to do it, I couldn't leave the house.  I wanted to make Joel come with me, but there wouldn't have been enough room for everyone in the car.  Once I realized how terrible it was, I started to work on doing more.  By the time we got to Wisconsin after celebrating our first anniversary, I was able to do things at church and with people I didn't know.  God helped me change that, because it had to change.  I think it was mainly due to the changes in life and finishing up school with nothing in place for me to do, no job, no activities on a regular basis, just me and life.  It was tough, but we made it through. 
I would say that things were pretty quiet in regards to my mental health for awhile. I was able to spend a great deal of time in prayer and study.  It was very good for me.  I also think that God knew that Joel was going to go through some tough things and that our family could not have handled both of us being in that state. 
When we moved to Michigan five months after our second anniversary, things were going pretty well.  About a week after we got there, we found out that we were pregnant.  Something that we had been praying and hoping for since our anniversary.  I was elated at the fact.  Life was really good for us.  People were excited, we were settling in to our new life and things were good. 
But then things within me started to change. More on that later, but for now, thanks for listening! If you have any comments, feel free to email me at hohablog@gmail.com