This morning, I woke up with this word in my head, scrambled. I think it describes me. I've been kind of lukewarm lately. The problem with a being a person who is constantly recovering from depression, any amount of time that feels lukewarm feels like an eternity. It's probably only been a day or two, but any day with that feeling touches places that run deep within.
It's almost like a scent memory. In this time of Christmas, you'll know what I'm talking about. When you smell the woodsy evergreen of Christmas trees or the warm sweet scent of cookies baking, you remember something deep within you. That smell reaches down into the thoughts that you haven't had in a very long time and pulls them to the surface as if you were living that moment again. It's beautiful and wonderful and I marvel at the fact that God gave us memories, because honestly, we could have been like fish that see themselves in the side of the tank, turn around and are surprised to see the reflection there again.
Having suffered from depression and a bit of anxiety, any time that I start to feel blue it's as if I am in the throws of my darkest moment. It's just a flash, but it's very real, just like those Christmas memories of cookies for Santa. The worst part for me is that I can't have a few bad days without wondering if I have a few bad months ahead of me. And that wonder can easily slip into fear.
How do introverts like myself wonder without fear? I would say for me, it's by taking that wonder to God and placing it before His feet and trying my best to leave it there. I am thankful that when I place that wonder before Him, I have as deep of a relief as I did of memory of those dark moments. Sometimes, I foolishly pick back up what I have laid down, but I don't carry it for as long, because when I do such things it's more out of habit than desire. I no longer desire to carry it around and as soon as I realize that it's there, I turn around and give it back up.
This sounds easy, but trust me, there were many dark months of depression and persecution that lead to this new habit of releasing that which can lead me to fear. It was in the midst of that and seeing, feeling, and living God's love that I was able to get to this place.
I want to let you know that these trials that you are going through right now, they are temporary, even if they last the rest of your days here on earth, they will be just a whisper of time if you are a believer in Jesus Christ. He's working in those dark moments and He's bringing forth something amazing within you. Know that you are not alone. You will survive this moment, place it at His feet and if you can't walk away, just rest there and know good things are in your future.