Skip to main content

Homesick

I don't remember where I read it, maybe it was Fresh Brewed Life, but it struck a cord with me, this idea that we get homesick for our true home, heaven.  Today, I was hit pretty hard with it.  This time of year is always a little tough for me.  I think I figured out part of the why today.
Eight years ago right about this time of year, I became pregnant.  It was our first pregnancy and even though it took us a few months, it was still within the realm of normal considering the form of birth control we had been using.  I hated being pregnant.  I loved the fact that I was going to be a mother, but I suffered from terrible depression through out the entire nine months.  It was awful and I never said anything about it to my doctor, because I was afraid they would put me on meds that would hurt my developing child.
I was terribly excited to have that part of my relationship with my daughter over and move into the holding, feeding, changing era of our lives together.  In August of 2004 she was born.  In December of 2004 we decided that we were going to try to have another child.  We wanted lots of kids and we weren't getting any younger.  A couple of months went by and nothing happened.  Since I was breastfeeding, I would get upset, but not concerned.  Then after we stopped breastfeeding, nothing changed.  I would occasionally buy pregnancy tests, only to feel like I had wasted what little money we had to send myself into a downward spiral.
After a few years, we finally came to accept that we weren't going to have anymore children.  In fact, in the midst of all that struggle, God spoke to me and various ways to let me know that Joel and Hannah and I were going to be the extent of our family.  It wasn't going to get any bigger through birth.  The one verse that He has brought me back to over and over again is Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. So many dreams and hopes of my life were based in a quiver FULL of children.  I expected God to bless us with more children than I could carry in a minivan.  I was determined and set to raise them and to care for them.  And it was not his plan.  It was never his plan for our lives.
I've come to terms with it, but when that little baby is paraded all around the church and we sing songs about the Christ child, I get homesick.  I long for a place where my body isn't broken and where my dreams line up with God's desires.  I yearn to have the wound within me healed and that will only happen by returning home.  And so I struggle and I cry and ponder.  I hold all these things in my heart, just as Mary carried things about her first born.  I never know exactly what it is that will set me off, but today it was the song "He's got the whole world in his hands" and when the verse about the itty bitty baby came on the screen with hands holding the tiny feet of a newborn, I could have fallen down and sobbed with the longing to be whole.
It is not that I now desire to have tons of children, God has spoken with me about that enough that I am pleased with the life that He has given me.  It is that in the midst of that reminder that I am broken, desiring that which is not my own, that I long to be home.  And so this season with its babys and mangers and songs of infants, I feel my brokenness raw and earthy.  Almost as if I am there in that manger covered in the newness of life and gasping for breath as if it were my very first.  I want to be reborn and live this life as His child, to be free of the things of old and to cling to what is new and being remade.  I want to be His and to call his throne room my home.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Four Cups by Chris Hodges

Four Cups by Chris Hodges is a brief book based on the four cups associated with the Seder Meal. Within the Seder meal, four promises of God are celebrated. Hodges goes through the four promises and challenges the reader to live them out.

Those four promises are:
1. God will free you from oppression.
2.God will free you from slavery.
3. God will redeem you.
4. God claims you and wants to celebrate that.

My favorite was the last promise. I think that it's very rare that we get together with other Christians to celebrate the fact that we belong to God. We have plenty of parties, but often those are to mark events or the passing of time, but not often do we celebrate the fact that we get to hang out with the Holy Spirit.

Each chapter is short enough that it could be read aloud by a group and then followed with a simple prayer. It would make a nice book study for a group. Hodges also recommends using the four cups to help grow your faith community. And by growth, he means people movin…

Lent aka Spring Training

If you've been paying attention, you'll have noticed that there's less and less of me on social media. I started small with changing my password on my Facebook account so that I couldn't check it. And that quickly escalated to a downloading of my account and deletion. Like, never getting it back, it's gone, if you want one, you'll have to start over deletion. And then I just switched my time to checking my Instagram, which used to be in check until Facebook went away. And then lent started and I put all of my Instagram accounts on temporary disable. And they're probably going to stay that way until I get beyond the point of turning to my phone to see if it has anything for me in terms of entertainment and validation. Hopefully, that will be take about 40 days, give or take a few Sundays.

So, I'm hoping to use this lent period to get myself all prepped for what can be in my life. I really want to serve God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body…

When Through Deep Waters by Rachelle Dekker

When Through Deep Waters is Rachelle Dekker's fourth book, the first three a dystopian trilogy. I was excited to see what other stories she had for us. Fortunately, this one does not disappoint.

Alicen has suffered a tragic loss and is trying to find her way through the grief. She lands in the family vacation home of her childhood friend. The idyllic location reminds her of all the hope she had for her life as a child and forces her to deal with many different disappointments in her life including the life and death of her beloved grandmother.

Here's what I love about the book, one, it's an old-school Frank Peretti style spiritual warfare book in that Alicen is an ordinary person that is struggling with spiritual forces. Two, it's a fiction book that made me want to get out my journal and explore some thoughts that bubbled up about myself! Third, God wins in the end and it doesn't look like the normal everyone desires. Fourth, straight up scripture usage that does…