Skip to main content

Small and Slow

On Instagram today, Jennifer Dukes Lee asked a series of questions. One was to share about a time when “smaller and slower” brought true growth. I thought I’d share my answer here.


Smaller and slower is how I would describe our desire for children. When we were first married, my husband and I both wanted a large family with lots of kids which by default would have had more activity. We had our first, our daughter Hannah, when we were still in our twenties. We decided almost immediately to start trying for more (within months of her birth). 

We didn’t get pregnant again for ten years. That unexpected pregnancy ended in miscarriage a few days after we found out about it, we got pregnant again within a cycle or two only to have another miscarriage at the beginning of our second trimester. It’s been five years this February since our third and what appears to be final pregnancy. 

All of that small and slow family time has taught me so much about God. In that longing and foolish bargaining I almost missed out on what we were blessed with. But accepting the small family that we were given has provided so much for us that we didn’t even know that we needed. We didn’t need large and fast. We needed small and slow in order to have the time and space to draw near to God.  

I love our small family. It’s exactly what I needed as a mom. It’s exactly what I needed to be a good wife to my husband. It has allowed me to be a good daughter when my mom has gone through cancer treatment. It’s helped me be a better member of our church. Our small family has helped me become the best version of myself. It reminds me that gifts from God are often small and not obvious if we’re moving too fast. 

In the book Captivating the author shared a story about wanting to experience something her husband had. He had gone to the beach and asked God to show Himself and huge pod of whales showed up and played around. She sat out on the beach and waited, no whales. When she finally got upset and started to walk home, she rounded the corner to be met with a shore full of starfish. I was thinking about this story during a family vacation when Hannah was not quite two and we were still actively hopeful for more children. I was at the beach and asked God to show Himself. I looked to the ocean and there was nothing, I looked to the shore and there was nothing. Upset and returning back I picked up a handful of sand that I let run through my fingers when there, amidst the sand stuck to my hand was a perfectly formed seashell the size of a grain of sand. God reminded me that he’s in the small stuff and true to his word, he’s always met me in the midst of the small ordinary work that has made up my life. 

I would say that small and slow has not been easy. It’s been heartbreaking in so many ways. But those broken places have all been touched by God. Even now, with 15+ years of infertility, I struggle with that desire I had as a young woman. Even with seeing how good it has been for us to be small, there’s still pain. There’s still growth, even if it wasn’t the way I expected it to look or feel.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

KAF No-Fuss Focaccia

I really like making bread.  It's fun to get your hands dirty, but I understand that yeast is a scary thing for people who don't have experience with it.  Somehow, I started using it when I was young and too immature to understand the fear that comes along with wasting time, money and energy.  I had time and energy in abundance.  My first real forte into baking was in the 7 th grade.  I must have cooked before then because I choose to see which flour rose the highest using a cinnamon roll recipe.  I made a lot of cinnamon rolls that year and when I turned in my report, there were questions asked of me that I had no idea what she meant.  Questions about the weather and the heat of the oven.  Things that I didn't know could make a difference in the baking of bread.  Lots has happened since that first memorable baking.  Today, I invited a friend over to make bread.  I was kind of concerned about the strength of the yeast, because we bought a huge stash of it last year someti

Project 52 Crossword Puzzle

Hannah and I had the car on Thursday and since it was officially my turn to plan date night, she and I hit the store.  We went to Target which has those great dollar bins right when you enter the store.  I found a cross word puzzle and some water balloons.  My thoughts were to make some chocolate bowls with the water balloons and do a crossword while we waited for them to harden.  Well, I got the idea of orange truffles while I was sitting around that afternoon and went to see if we had any of the stuff that would make it and I kind of had it.  So, I made up some truffles and then we covered them with chocolate that night and they were so tasty.  We made it through one crossword puzzle and cheated very little :-D  It was fun working on it together and some of the clues and words were a little ludicrous.  All in all not a bad date for a buck and some pantry raiding. In case you are interested in the dessert, I took the McCormick Eggnog Truffle recipe and modified it by omitting the n

Project 52: Good Friday is low key

We had a wonderful Holy week, full of celebrations, one of my favorites was the Good Friday celebration.  But it was emotionally and physically draining.  By the time that evening rolled around, we weren't up for much of anything.  We ended up having a game night on our bed with crackers, cheese and salami.  It was fun, we played cribbage, and In a Pickle (which we determined is not for two people with little to no brain power).  I'm looking forward to this Friday because Joel is off the entire week, which should mean more energy and maybe something creative!